The New York Times’ second article on aging by Jane Brody featuring our book

Posted on May 2, 2017 by Blog Mavens

Today is the first anniversary of the publication of this, the second in Jane Brody’s two-part New York Times series on aging. It again features our 70Candles! book, and a topic of great importance to women our age…where to live. We share it once again for those who might have missed it and for those who will enjoy reading it anew.

To join the conversation on our 70Candles.com blog, find the Where to live category on the right side of the blog site and see what others have to say.


PERSONAL HEALTH
Jane Brody on health and aging.

Aging in Place

When I asked the other three members of my walking group, all of whom are in their mid to upper 70s, whether they had any concerns about future living arrangements, they each said they had none despite the fact that, like me, they live in multistory private homes without elevators and, in two cases, without bathrooms on every floor.

My Los Angeles son asked recently what I might do if I could no longer live in my house, and I flippantly replied, “I’m coming to live with you.” The advantages: I’d be surrounded by a loving and supportive family, and the warm weather is a benefit for someone like me who becomes increasingly intolerant of the cold with each passing year. The disadvantages: I’d lose a familiar community and a host of friends, and his house, unlike mine, is on a steep hill with no nearby stores; if I could no longer drive, I’d have to be chauffeured everywhere.

Probably my biggest deterrent would be relinquishing my independence and the incredible number of “treasures” I’ve amassed over the last half century. The junk would be easy, but parting with the works of art and mementos would be like cutting out my heart.

I suspect that most people are reluctant to think about changing where and how they live as long as they are managing well at the moment. Lisa Selin Davis reports in AARP magazine that “almost 90 percent of Americans 65 or older plan to stay in their homes as they age.” Yet for many, the design of their homes and communities does not suit older adults who lack the mobility, agility and swiftness of the young.

For those who wish to age in place, the authors of “70Candles: Women Thriving in Their 8th Decade,” Jane Giddan and Ellen Cole, list such often-needed home attributes as an absence of stairs, wide doorways to accommodate a walker or wheelchair, slip-resistant floors, lever-style door knobs, remotely controlled lighting, walk-in showers, railings, ramps and lifts. Add to these a 24-hour help system, mobile phone, surveillance cameras and GPS locaters that enable family members to monitor the well-being of their elders.

In many communities, volunteer organizations, like Good Neighbors of Park Slope in Brooklyn and Staying in Place in Woodstock, N.Y., help older residents remain in their homes and live easier and more fulfilling lives.

While many young adults chose to live and bring up children in the suburbs, a growing number of empty-nested retirees are now moving to city centers where they can access public transportation, shop on foot for food and household needs, and enjoy cultural offerings and friendly gatherings without depending unduly on others.

One reason my friends and I are unwilling to even consider leaving our Brooklyn community is our ability to walk to supermarkets, banks, food co-ops, hardware stores, worship and recreational facilities, and get virtually everywhere in the city with low-cost and usually highly efficient public transportation. No driving necessary.

We also wallow in the joys of near-daily walks in a big, beautiful urban park, remarking each time about some lovely vista — the moon, sunrise, visible planets, new plantings and resident wildlife.

Throughout the country, communities are being retrofitted to accommodate the tsunami of elders expected to live there as baby boomers age. Changes like altering traffic signals and street crossings to give pedestrians more time to cross enhance safety for people whose mobility is compromised. New York City, for example, has created Aging Improvement Districts, so far in East Harlem, the Upper West Side and Bedford-Stuyvesant, to help older people “live as independently and engaged in the city as possible,” Ms. Giddan and Ms. Cole wrote. In East Harlem, for example, merchants have made signs easier to read and provided folding chairs for seniors who wish to rest before and after shopping.

In Philadelphia, a nonprofit organization, Friends in the City, calls itself a “community without walls” designed to bring members closer to the city’s resources and to one another. It offers seniors a daily variety of programs to suit many cultural and recreational interests.

Also evolving is the concept of home sharing, in which several older people who did not necessarily know one another get together to buy a home in which to live and share responsibilities for shopping, cooking, cleaning and home repair. For example, in Oregon, Let’s Share Housing, and in Vermont, Home Share Now, have online services that connect people with similar needs, Ms. Giddan and Ms. Cole report. There’s also an online matching service — Roommates4Boomers.com — for women 50 and over looking for compatible living mates.

Of course, there are still many older adults, widows and widowers in particular, who for financial or personal reasons move in with a grown child’s family, sometimes in an attached apartment or separate floor. Host families may gain a built-in babysitter, and children can develop a more intimate relationship with grandma or grandpa.

For those with adequate finances, there is no shortage of for-profit retirement communities that help older people remain independent by providing supportive services and a host of amenities and activities. Some have extensive recreational and exercise facilities, as well as book and craft clubs, discussion groups and volunteer opportunities. Some take residents to theatrical productions and museums and on trips to nearby attractions.

I confess that retirement communities that house only older adults are not my style. I can’t imagine living in a place where I don’t see and interact with children on a daily basis. I find that nothing cheers me more than a smile or comment from a toddler. I guess I take after my father, who used to flirt with every child he noticed in a car near his. But I realize that, just as some people are averse to dogs, not everyone enjoys the companionship of a high-energy child.

For older people likely to require help with the activities of daily living, there are many assisted living facilities where residents can get more or less help, including aid with medications, feeding and ambulation, according to their changing needs.

And should I ever have to leave my home, Ms. Giddan and Ms. Cole point out that there is a new and growing cadre of professional organizers and moving managers to “help people sort through accumulated belongings, distribute and disperse what won’t be needed in the new setting, and assist with all stages of packing, moving and then unpacking, and staging the new home.” Continue reading →

Posted in 70candles, Looking ahead, Stories, Where to live | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The New York Times article about our book

Posted on April 25, 2017 by Blog Mavens

We celebrate the one-year anniversary of this Jane Brody article. Here’s a chance for those who missed it to read it, and a re-reading opportunity for others.

Enjoy!

Thriving at Age 70 and Beyond

By Jane E. Brody

Well Blog -The New York Times 4-25-16

A recently published book, “70Candles! Women Thriving in Their 8th Decade,” inspired me to take a closer look at how I’m doing as I approach 75 and how I might make the most of the years to come. It would be a good idea for women in my age cohort to do likewise. With a quarter of American women age 65 expected to celebrate their 100th birthday, there could be quite a few years to think about.

It’s not the first time I’ve considered the implications of longevity. When one of my grandsons at age 8 asked, “Grandma, will you still be alive when I get married?” I replied, “I certainly hope so. I want to dance at your wedding.” But I followed up with a suggestion that he marry young!

Still, his innocent query reminded me to continue to pursue a healthy lifestyle of wholesome food, daily exercise and supportive social connections. While there are no guarantees, like many other women now in their 70s, I’ve already outlived both my parents, my mother having died at 49 and my father at 71.

If I have one fear as the years climb, it’s that I won’t be able to fit in all I want to see and do before my time is up, so I always plan activities while I can still do them.

I book cycling and hiking trips to parts of the world I want to visit and schedule visits to distant friends and family to be sure I make them happen. In a most pragmatic moment, I crocheted a gender-neutral blanket for my first great-grandchild, but attached a loving note in case I’m no longer around to give it in person.

Of course, advancing age has taken — and will continue to take — its incremental toll. I often wake up wobbly, my back hates rainy days, and I no longer walk, cycle or swim as fast as I used to. I wear sensible shoes and hold the handrail going up and down stairs.

I know too that, in contrast to the Energizer Bunny life I once led, I now have to husband my resources more carefully. While I’m happy to prepare a dish or two for someone else’s gathering, my energy for and interest in hosting dinner parties have greatly diminished. And though I love to go to the theater, concerts, movies and parties, I also relish spending quiet nights at home with my Havanese, Max, for company.

Jane Giddan and Ellen Cole, the authors of “70Candles!,” do not tout their work as definitive research. Rather, their effort involved scores of posts to an online blog, and eight gatherings in different cities with groups of women in or near their 70s, where participants were encouraged to share their stories and generate research questions that could be explored scientifically in more detail. Such studies are important: As baby boomers age, women in their 70s, already a large group, will represent an increasing proportion of the population, and how to best foster their well-being will be a growing challenge.

What are the most important issues facing these women as they age, and how might society help ease their way into the future? Leading topics the women chose to explore included work and retirement, ageism, coping with functional changes, caretaking, living arrangements, social connections, grandparenting and adjusting to loss and death.

As members of the first generation in which huge numbers of women had careers that defined who they were, deciding when to bow out can be a challenge. Some have no choice, others never want to, and still others like me continue to work part-time. However, sooner or later, most will need to find rewarding activities to fill their now-free time.

The authors reported that “the women seemed to fear retirement before the deed was done, and then to relish their newfound opportunities afterward.” Several warned against rushing into too many volunteer activities, suggesting instead that retirees take time to explore what might be most meaningful and interesting, from taking art classes or music lessons to mentoring students, becoming a docent or starting a new career.

As one woman said, “There are many places where you are needed and can make a difference.” Another said, “It’s more like putting new tires on a car… re-tiring!”

Still, many lamented society’s focus on youthfulness and its failure to value the wisdom and knowledge of elders like themselves. Ageism abounds, they agreed. As one woman wrote, “At my institution, there’s an unstated policy that anyone over 55 won’t get a job. We’re thought to be out of touch with the younger population and assumed to be lacking in the necessary technical skills.” A practicing attorney admitted, “People might not listen to me if they knew I was 71, so I keep it to myself.”

Adjusting to physical changes that accompany advancing years is often tough. Grandchildren, though a great joy to many, can be exhausting, necessitating a restorative nap. Adjustments are needed to reduce the risk of falls and fractures. Better lighting, hearing assists, a reliance on Post-it notes and lists as well as canes and walkers can become essential for safe and effective functioning.

As Ms. Giddan and Ms. Cole wrote, “Our bodies change as we age, even when we eat healthfully, exercise and try to take good care of ourselves. Sight, hearing, bones, joints, balance, mobility, memory, continence, strength and stamina — they will never be what they once were.”

There is also the matter of attending to or accommodating various aches and pains. As one physician reassured a woman of 70, “All my patients your age who are free of pains are dead.” I’m not one to run to the doctor the moment something hurts. Rather, I give it a few weeks — maybe a month — to see if it will go away on its own. Even if fully covered by Medicare, doctor visits cost time and effort, and tests that ensue may have side effects.

Also important as women age are social connections, especially with other women. Whether married, single, widowed or divorced, participants reported that women friends were their greatest source of support and comfort.

Perhaps most important, for men as well as women, is to think positively about aging. A 2002 study by epidemiologists at Yale found that “individuals with more positive self-perceptions of aging, measured up to 23 years earlier, lived 7.5 years longer than those with less positive perceptions.”

Posted in 70candles, Family matters, Looking ahead, Older women connecting, Our bodies, our health, Resilience, Traveling | 3 Comments

Fear of looking old-reaching out

Posted on April 21, 2017 by Blog Mavens

Anonymous,  Age 71

I’ve read some of the stories and can’t offer much positive or cheering. I hate growing old, I fear the loss of things I once took for granted. I’ve had a life like a roller coaster, two marriages, many lovers, and confidence born of good looks, and had only experience of hospital five years ago when I had a total thyroidectomy (non cancerous), and since then I sometimes don’t recognise my emotional self or my body which has gained two stone and often feel i’m clinging to a fast melting piece of ice in the middle of a very dark sea.

I’m an artist, and recently turned to writing, so I have the advantage of always having something to do, but because I’ve moved around so much in England and abroad I haven’t maintained friendships, and being back in England again and starting over once more I feel lonely and as if I have nothing in common with the people I occasionally meet, and I’m afraid I can’t see anything to look forward to if I can’t first overcome my fear of looking old. If I’m honest I started to envy younger women and feel myself growing sour and cynical. I suppose I qualify as an elder orphan having had no family for years and being adopted in the first place, so identity is pretty shaky all round.   Anyone else who doesn’t seem to fit the boxes out there?

Posted in 70candles, Our bodies, our health | Tagged , , , , , , | 9 Comments

Struggling in England-Seeking support

Posted on April 13, 2017 by Blog Mavens

Ronne,  Age 70

I turned 70 in January and still can’t quite believe that number. Having struggled with depression most of my adult life. It was well controlled by medication until a couple of years ago, when I had to switch to a different kind of meds, which don’t work so well for me. I find that it is now bedding in and becoming a permanent condition, which worries me. I am feeling my mortality — there seems to be so little time left — and dealing with physical limitations (arthritis) gets tougher every year.
And yet… I know I don’t look, or act, my age — people are generally astonished when they find out how old I am. And yes, “inside I feel 25!” Which makes it even more depressing that I’m so OLD!!
I am a transplanted New Yorker, living in a very small (and very dull) town in Nottinghamshire. I have been here since 1985, when I met and married a wonderful man, who happened to be British and in the RAF, stationed at a base 3 miles from where we live now. We stayed here for a variety of reasons — at first it was my job (I was phenomenally lucky to be able to continue the career I had left in New York — children’s publishing — with a major publisher who happened to be 20 miles away); then we had a son, and this was a lovely place to bring up a child. Of course, he left as soon as he could — first to go to university, then to live and work in London — but by the time that happened, hubby and I felt it would be stressful and counterproductive to uproot ourselves and move to a new area, where we didn’t know anyone. We do have a network of friends here, and my husband is in two folk bands, which mean a great deal to him and which he does not want to give up.
But I am struggling. I don’t know where I belong or what to do with myself, now that I’m no longer working. (I worked from home as a freelance for the last 20 years of my career, so that in itself is not a huge change.) I volunteered with a children’s charity for several years, and found that very fulfilling, but I had to leave when they restructured. It left a gap in my life, but it had been stressful in many ways, so I felt a bit relieved as well.
I feel that it’s all downhill from now, and when I read the positive and inspiring stories of other women here, I feel a sense of wonder: how do you do it? I am struggling to find a sense of purpose, now that most of my life is behind me. And I am plagued by fears — what will happen if my husband dies before me? What if I get a serious illness, as some of my friends have?
I realize this is a very negative story, and I apologise for that. But I’m wondering if I am the only one in this wonderful community of strong, vibrant women who is feeling this way? If there are others out there feeling this way — how are you dealing with it? I would love to hear from other women who have gone through this and come out smiling on the other side!

Posted in 70candles, About turning 70, Family matters, Older women connecting, Our bodies, our health, Where to live | Tagged , , , , , , | 24 Comments

My 70’s story

Posted on April 10, 2017 by Blog Mavens

Lois, Age 75

As of now I’m almost 75 (how did that happen). I am caucasian and live in Massachusetts where I’ve lived all my life. I worked as a secretary until age 65 when my husband who had diabetes had kidney failure and needed to go on dialysis. I chose to retire at that time and spend my time taking care of him and his mother who had recently moved in with us ( not an easy person to get along with )…

He eventually had both legs amputated above the knee and stayed at home in a hospital bed in the living room. I was busy taking care of him (and her) until his diabetes took him 5 years ago at age 70. His mother died 2 months later at age 87 and my 20 year old cat died a few months after that. So now I was completely alone in my two story colonial home. At first I enjoyed the quiet and the thought I didn’t have to do anything and could enjoy my needlework hobby and spending time with my friends.

My daughter lives in an adjoining town and invited me to move into their bonus room above their two car garage. She hired a designer and builder and made it a perfect “home” for me. I am now very happy living in my one room space. It has a separate bedroom (closed off with curtains and a built in bookcase) and sitting area, a small kitchen, small eating area and even a baby grand piano which I hope to practice soon as soon as I have it tuned. I’m currently in the process of cleaning out the old house and will put it on the market soon. My husband and I were married 50 wonderful years and I do miss him every day, but am also enjoying my life as it is now.

Thanks for letting me share

Posted in 70candles, Caretaking, Family matters, Resilience, Where to live | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Balance in all things!

Posted on March 16, 2017 by Blog Mavens

Gail, Age 78

At age 78, just read your book, 70Candles! and applaud your insights and clarity regarding women in their 70’s living a vital life. You gave us a gift. However, those from age 50 on up should make it a must read to understand the quick-to-come years ahead. What a road map!

My story is—married for 54 years—helped husband build a very successful business, charity, raising 2 boys, lung cancer in 2000 & 2003 (never smoked), and then 7 years helping my husband with ALZHEIMER’S. His story and a web site were done to help Caregivers and I advocate for the CURE ALZHEIMER’S FUND.

God and animals got me through the years watching my beloved husband fade.

The ‘where to live’ section of your book was of interest, as I downsize from the home we built in New Hampshire to a smaller one in Rhode Island to be near my brother and sister.

Our Mom lived until 100.7 with all her faculties and a quality of life. She would say, “Balance in all things,” and be active.

Hopefully, you will continue on the myriad topics not yet covered.

Posted in 70candles, Caretaking, Family matters, Looking ahead, Older women connecting, Our bodies, our health, Resilience, Stories, Where to live | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Are you an elder orphan?

Posted on March 15, 2017 by Blog Mavens

There are those 55 and older, alone, without mates or adult children. Carol Marak, an elder advocate has dubbed them “elder orphans.” She has created the Elder Orphan Facebook group (Facebook.com/groups/elderorphan) as a meeting place and support group for these seniors. The site, just a year old, already has more than 4000 members!

Marak also edits seniorcare.com which offers a wealth of very helpful information about resources for older people in every state.

In the informative Senior Living section of The Dallas Morning News on March 14, 2017 where this is described, we learn that one resource, the movement for shared housing among older women, is growing across the country. This offers new options to elder orphans and others, where expenses can be shared, relationships can expand, and a new life chapter can begin.

On our 70Candles.com blog, we hear from many women who feel alone. They wonder where they will live next, they tell of problems keeping up their home, and with finding transportation. Some are lonely and feel disconnected from the communities that surround them. Some feel depressed.

Here are some of the web sites that offer matching services for those seeking roommates and those offering to share room in their homes:

Roommates4boomers.com
Goldengirlsnetwork.com
Sharedhousingcenter.weebly.com/homeshare (Dallas)
Affordable Living for the Aging alaseniorliving.org (Los Angeles)

Here is the link to Marak’s informative Aging Insider newsletter:

https://www.seniorcare.com/resources/aging-industry-insider/top-news-for-March-2017/

If you know of other shared housing programs where you live, please spread the word by sharing that information here. This is an idea whose time has come!

Posted in 70candles, Older women connecting, Where to live | Tagged , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Grateful

Posted on March 10, 2017 by Blog Mavens

Lauren,  Turning 70
I will be sharing my story down the line. I just want to say Thank You all for being here. This is a much needed place. I will be a frequent supporter! 👯👍Grateful

Posted in 70candles, About turning 70, Looking ahead, Networking, Older women connecting | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

BUT YOU DON’T RUB MILK UNDER THE NOSE OF A HUNGRY LION!

Posted on March 6, 2017 by Blog Mavens

 

“But you don’t rub milk under the nose of a hungry lion.” A phrase my husband Wes stated right before we went to bed.

A person with Alzheimer’s disease is very protective of their money. They will hide their money and forget where they put it. The one closest to them, the caregiver, is the one they accuse of stealing their money when they can’t find it. You have to keep one eye cocked open during the night so you can see where Mister A is hiding the loot, for he may get up two or three times in the night and re-hide the stash. This is what I went through in the beginning stages of my husband’s disease. I cried many a tear and many a sleepless night trying to keep up with the money.

One night I saw a big bulge down Wes’ pajama leg. I pulled up his pant leg and there was Wes’ two billfolds duck taped to his leg just above the ankle. I must say it had to have hurt when he took the tape off the next morning. He would hide them in the pillow case. My sister, Judy helped me find that one. When I run out of places to look, I would call my sister and she would give me suggestions of where to look. He would hide them in his socks, but that would bulge out too. I bought him some pajamas with pockets, but the tricky part was when Mister A got up in the night and re-hid his stash.

I finally convinced Wes that I could protect his stash from Mister A if he would let me keep his billfolds beside me on the nightstand. I would always give him his billfolds first thing in the morning. At night right before we go to bed, I tell Wes to give me his stash so I can protect it and he has for several months now, until last night, as he gave me his stash he said, “But you don’t rub milk under the nose of a hungry lion”___and he laughed and I laughed too. Then we went to bed.

Posted in 70candles, Caretaking, Family matters, Men aging, Read Stories | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

A question for you

Posted on March 5, 2017 by Blog Mavens

Diana,  Age 72

This isn’t my story so much as a question that I’d like to toss around. (Jane said that I could give it a try.) So, if you have any interest, please join in!

Are you staying in place, or have you downsized or relocated since you retired? And how’s that going?

When my husband retired five years ago we moved to a new state to be near our daughter. And we’re both truly enjoying having her in our lives. There’s a lot about being here that I like – an opera company and our own civic symphony, a superior library system, beautiful scenery with close access to a national park, a nicer house…..

I didn’t expect to miss the old place despite the fact that we’d lived there since we married in 1972, but I was wrong! I miss my friends terribly! And, to be honest, I haven’t found another woman to meet even for lunch or coffee. Making new friends at 72 isn’t easy.

If you’ve relocated, how did you handle it? Are you happy with the change? What do you miss?

And if you stayed in place, are you pleased?

There aren’t any wrong answers. It’s just meant as an opportunity for that girl chat that I miss so much!

Posted in 70candles, Family matters, Networking, Older women connecting, Where to live | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 18 Comments