Susan, Almost 75
As many of you know from my writings, I am new to Maine. It’s been nearly five years since I ventured north, just before the pandemic. Being sequestered for a few years has made me very aware of interpersonal relationships. Perhaps because I know so few people here. Now that we can get out and about I am just making a few friends.
Over and over it seems just about everyone I meet is so self-centered. In a new relationship, one would think others might take an interest in another person and ask them questions. Instead it appears they just listen. Then they go on to talk about themselves with no response to anything I might add. I say that and then second guess myself wondering if they just zone out and I am being too kind to them.
Having never noticed this before or maybe didn’t care, I wonder about it now. Were people always that way or did I just not notice or care? Or, are we suffering from isolation more than we know. I think all the above might be true.
I’ve lived in the northeast before and do understand the culture is a bit different. All cultures vary a bit which I enjoy. At soon to be 75 and a sociologist/gerontologist/environmentalist/activist by training/education/interest this bothers me.
I would appreciate any thoughts you might have about this. Has this been your experience lifelong? Or do you think this is a post pandemic thing? Or?
I have experienced your feelings many, many times. I can’t believe how self-centered most people are. I think part of it is insecurity, part ego, and part lack of social skills. Also, there is a saying, “When people get old or drunk they do more of what they normally do”. I think as people age, their lives move inward and their circles get smaller. So they are more focused on themselves. We sometimes make a joke out of noting how far into an interaction people go before they ask a question. It doesn’t change anything, but it adds a bit of humor, which is always helpful!!! Hang in there…
Evelyn, I am thinking more about people of all ages, not just the older ones. They use to say people get more of the way they are with age.
My friends query, take an interest and enjoy conversing. I also think technology plays a huge part. Younger people seemed ‘plugged in’ even when outside walking. It reminds me of the wonderful book, “Last Child In The Woods.” The book talks about nature deficit disorder. I see that with adults, too.
I agree with your observation that it is, “insecurity, part ego, and part lack of social skills.”
Humor definitely helps. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts.
Susan, I am 74. First I’d like to say that I am envious that you are living in Maine. I live in Texas and it is so hot here now! One August we made a trip to Maine and enjoyed the sights, people, and the weather!
Your post was of interest to me because I have felt that the Pandemic changed our relationships with others in general. There are many websites devoted to the research done on this subject. However, I believe that there are other reasons people have difficulty finding and keeping friends plus making interactions more meaningful. My state has for our motto: Friendship. It used to be that was more common here than it is now but, still, there are many places here where you will find people who still don’t know a stranger! Yes, people used to be more caring and neighborly but life has become more complicated and, at times, more dangerous than it once was. I, also, have observed more rudeness in recent years so am always pleased when I hear true manners or people being complimentary. I have a problem about people not responding to texts or emails…but that’s just me.
I take comfort in the fact that I still have friends I have known for 50 years or more and have made a few friends in recent years. Quality more important than quantity! Some I haven’t even seen in many years but know I could count on them to listen. It IS harder to make new friends as one ages. I am not on Facebook but manage to stay in contact with others by way of texts, emails, and even phone calls. With social media, it’s been my opinion that we have lost some one on one interactions with friends and even family…life is not a contest and most of us are not celebrities or rock stars! Friendship is a give and take. If someone is not willing to listen to you as well as you listen to them, perhaps it would be better to look for better friendships..or just cherish the old friendships. Most of us need time alone as well plus medical reasons prevent some of us from getting together like we once did.
Thank you for your thoughtful observation.
Sherill, thank you for your thoughtful reply.
This is a beautiful state. This morning I drove over the bay watching the raindrops make puddles in the water. I love watching the tide come in and go out. And the rhythm of the ocean.
It cools off about 3 p.m. each day with the ocean breeze. The gulls fly overhead. I’d never seen gulls pick the weekly trash until I moved here. I think I found a way to outsmart them as we are required to use a specific recycleable bag for waste. You simply put the bag atop the large recycled container which they seem to leave alone.
I’ve met some nice people in my book clubs and a couple more in yoga. We’ve talked about meeting regularly for lunch after class.
If you can find links to research on post pandemic friendships, please let me know. I’ve looked but haven’t seen much just yet.
I suspect that this may take a year or two until people start connecting. We’ve seen so many changes in the workforce and that ultimately affects relationships.
Thanks for response, Susan. I forgot to mention that I, too, made a move almost a year ago and it hasn’t been as easy as I thought it would be. Am missing family and friends nearby. We lived in our home for 42 years and moved to our vacation home 3 hours away. I posted something about that on 70 Candles in April…called Forever Homes.
I do have good neighbors and we have owned this home for 8 years. The area is not unfamiliar to me or my husband. He does a lot of genealogy research and I write, crochet, and read many books. Getting together with people for lunch is often difficult as people are very busy. If I get stir crazy, I go into town and look in all the shops and visit with the friendly store owners and managers! We also have a beautiful art center to enjoy. Am fortunate I still have a husband with me and we do things together. He is NOT sociable so I find time to listen to all of his research on the family tree and keep him company. We talk and plan trips. Family come for visits often.
Sounds like you are doing just fine! Yes, not many articles about this on the internet but here are two you might be interested in.
https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/dec/29/operation-make-new-friends-2023
https://www.washingtonpost.com/wellness/2023/04/22/seniors-friends/
Dear Susan, I am a Hungarian-born person, came to the US at 30. Had a great time with a PhD is chemistry, and learning by myself English. After changing the country, I expected and was able to survive making social life through my workplaces.
I am 75 now.
After 2 kids born a year apart in my mid-30-es, I stayed home in Ohio with my kids for 7 years. That was an isolation, as I had no (2nd) car, neither neighbors walking nowhere. The only person I met was the postman. I became an introvert again. So we did not have Internet, social media. That was a very isolating time, till kindergarten and school made it possible to meet other moms. I learned the new culture, actively reached out to other women, and created a book club. From there through my children I could actively socialize.
We moved a lot into different states, or even countries later, when the kids left. My husband was a professor – again his workplace and/or mine were easy to socialize with. The schools, workplaces later were bridges to find friends. As kids grew up, we moved to New Hampshire to a small (6500 persons) town. That was new England to get used to. A reserved culture – I know how feels in Maine. But I became proactive, and did make one close friend through walking together. We still close friends.
Just when we decided to retire in 2021 and got a summer house in Mexico, my husband died of heart attack. I was just 2 months new in a different culture, in and expats-rich little Mexican town. Without hesitation, I invited my neighbors and created monthly parties. My move is not finished: I am becoming a grandma in December, and needed to help my son in CO! Delightful news!
Sorry for the long story, but my point is that we have to try all times initiating and nurturing social happenings, it is not easy at 75, as our possible friends-to-be might be ailing. However, if we have more energy, we might choose to accommodate them. And keep in touch by writing. Being part of life, instead of isolation. I am a former introvert, late extrovert. And just learning a hard way, that I need to talk less about myself, and listen to people especially what they “don’t say” . My passion is to cook and hoping to continue my food blog, once I find someone to refresh me in WordPress!
I find it very interesting that you sharing your personal move. Your background sounds very amazing! Thank you for that. Hanna
Hanna, thank you so much for your story. What a life you have had! I am so sorry about the loss of your husband. I hope you feel enveloped by the love in your family.
Soon you will be off to Colorado. I’ve moved a lot also. Each place offers another adventure. So happy to hear you will be a Grandma. You have so much to look forward to. Please let us know how you are doing when you relocate.
Can you share the website for your food blog?
There’s not going to be one answer that fits all. When I meet someone who needs to talk about themselves I assume that no one else is listening to them. Or that they’re telling me something they’re hesitant to share with family/friends.
Remember the advice from the teen magazines, “To make friends, encourage them to talk.” Seems to me, their need to talk is greater than their need to make friends.
The older we get, the harder it is to find someone to listen. We’re dying of loneliness, and, perhaps thanks to pandemic isolation, we’ve forgotten how to interact with the very people we need.
Diana, thank you for this. It is a sad commentary on humans that we feel so unheard. I’m just not interested in being everyone’s therapist from the get go. It used to take a couple of years to get to know people. Now it feels more like an emotional dump.
Susan, it does feel like an avalanche of someone else’s emotions and needs hitting head-on in what’s supposed to be a social situation.
I can’t help blaming our strident political divisions for much of our isolation. There are so many explosive issues that it’s difficult to talk to strangers about anything important. In a world where even books are controversial, we resort to oversharing.
So we have the fear of confrontation added to the need to be heard.
No one out there is listening. Can we blame them?
Diana, the loss of civil rights with the increase in anti-semitism, bigotry, homophobia, the list is long.
Many feel isolated and are wrapped up in themselves. Some do overshare and the conversation is always about them. Or, they have their friends and don’t need or want more. Then there is the culture, and our long, isolating winters here.
I am single and I find couples prefer couples. There is that unspoken fear that you might get involved with their spouse. Yes, their insecurity, not mine.
It will be interesting to read the studies that come out regarding post pandemic relationships. Several of my therapist friends say their schedules are filled with a long waiting list due to pre and post pandemic issues that people are wanting to work on.
Thanks for your thoughts. I sure appreciate them.
As a life time Maine visitor I am wondering if you are possibly experiencing your first taste of a personality characteristic of the native many of whom either have or at least do not show any real interest in other people especially if they are strangers. It’s often a far cry from the southerner who wants to know all about you the minute you meet. (Equally somewhat distressing) however don’t give up! If you keep looking and staying open you will find your “tribe”. For starters I recommend librarians and waitresses.
Patricia, that is funny – “for starters I recommend librarians and waitresses.” And ‘hairdressers.”
I did move here from the south – 17 years living in the Smokies. That was more of an independent, living in the woods culture. A bit isolating. Everyone met on the trail or in the small town. People reached out to others and were always available.
It was time to move closer to family as the grands came along. Long winters, too much snow. Beautiful summers and a short, gorgeous fall.
I will continue to plug away. Hopeful. Optimistic. Thank you.
By the way, I’ve been vacationing in this area since I was 7. No surprises.
Hi my husband just passed from an awful disease 5 months ago. It was horrid and I still get horrible memories catching me off guard. I had to lv everything. Sold my house pay off mortgages , bills, my car is now a 2009 my dogs died during this period. Anyway I moved to a different culture to be by my son. I am originally from lower east side, Ny and now live in Ocala Fl. It has been tough but sometimes we don’t listen to others and we just try to get our story in.
Listen next time you speak maybe you hear things differently.
Where I am now people are very different but they listen because sometimes I just let them talk. I am 76
Patricia, thank you for your comment. Even my Mainer friends say they find people just like to talk about themselves. I think this is universal in our culture.
This gives me a good idea for my next book club reading – relationships. This will be fun.
Patricia, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. You’ve been through so many changes. I wish you well.
In paragraph 2, I meant to add after ” Instead it appears they just listen. “*Then they go on to talk about themselves with no response to anything I might add.* I say that and then second guess myself wondering if they just zone out and I am being too kind to them.