Susan, Age 74
More and more I hear MEN say they don’t feel relevant. On a recent inquiry, I asked why.
“People don’t seek me out anymore. Ask my thoughts. The young mingle with the young. The forty-somethings think they are experts.”
Trying not to chuckle, I had to agree.
“You know, we did the same thing” I said.
A gerontologist by training, I have always enjoyed older people. Their wisdom, stories and thoughts and insights. I’ve joined a couple of groups recently. In one group, I am getting to know another writer. She told me she won’t share her age, but that she is much older than my mid seventy years. Much older. She doesn’t want people to judge her by her age, make assumptions.
After much thought, I responded that we continually make choices about the kinds of friends with which we associate, the ones with which we share our stories. An accomplished writer, this woman’s lips remain tight. She went on to say she wants younger friends. She didn’t seem to understand the contradiction. I suppose we all have our own.
I thought about whether I felt relevant. She didn’t understand the notion of relevance when I broached that. At least I didn’t hear about it. Feeling relevant has more to do with having a purpose. And, I think, that might be what some men are saying. Purposes can and do change over time.
Making new friends at this age is hard. Or maybe it isn’t. Maybe we try too hard to find a commonality, a way to communicate deeply. Find others willing to risk their vulnerability. To share one’s humanity. Experiences.
Having spent years among nature, I continue to learn that relevance is relative. In a society which encourages, demands that we seek satisfaction outside ourselves with incessant shopping, following cultural mores, many of which reinforce negative ways of being in the world, all we really have is our relationship to ourselves. Why? Because we are always running away from ourselves.
I continue working on being relevant. It is how we ease the way for others, contribute to society and being equally vulnerable, equally strong. Not just to others, but to ourselves.
My 75th birthday is this fall. For years, I thought I would travel with family out of the country as we did before my grandchildren were born. It just doesn’t feel relevant to my lifestyle now. Maybe I will throw a party and savor the moment. Either way, I have to work at feeling relevant. On purpose.
Again, thank you from my heart for this blog.
This is a wonderful statement!!! Relevance is different for everyone. To paraphrase Shakespeare, some are born into it, some have it thrust upon them.. but the rest of us have to seek and find it and make it work for us. Remember when so many people needed us that we were torn in different directions? Relevance was everywhere!! I think it gets harder as we get older. Friends die or are sick, family moves away and are busy, and more of us live alone. You can be relevant by keeping in touch with someone who needs you. You can join a group and find commonalities. But no one will do it for you….. that’s the hard part!! You have said it very well – good luck in your search. And good luck to all of us in our searches!
Well said ladies!! I will turn 77 this fall, which in some ways is hard to believe. Certainly, every season of our lives has its own challenges; they just are in different forms, with different levels of relevance, depending on our life situations at that time. I agree that purpose is vastly important. But as I see it, purpose needs to be in each area of lives: spiritual, physical, social and emotional. I too am Catholic and so my faith helps shape my overarching purpose; the big P I guess. Service to God, family, friends and others falls in the big P for me. Service can keep us young at heart and fulfilled, giving our days deeper meaning.
I am moving into a 62+ independent living apartment complex this May and soon thereafter, will be 74. It’s in the neighborhood where my son and grandkids live. One of the most important things to me now is to contribute and make a difference and not just simply take care of myself, hang out with friends, watch movies, read, walk the dogs, etc. I volunteer for Hospice once a week, which is so meaningful and really gives me a sense of purpose, and I want to find another project to work on as well. In the meantime, I contracted asthma from having had Covid 1 1/2 years ago, and suddenly my left hip started hurting out of the blue, which has made walking uncomfortable. It’s interesting watching myself slowly falling apart, and at the same time I don’t just want to stay alive just for the sake of being alive. Finding that meaning and purpose will make all the difference.
You raise such a vital question, Susan. Like you, I too am a gerontologist. After years working with older adults I am now facing personally the kinds of questions and explorations that I have counseled folks about for a good portion of my work life. It helps that I am familiar with the terrain and it is still new and sometimes unsettling as well as sometimes glorious. Raised Catholic, I am reminded of the Baltimore catcchism….to the question: Why am I here? The answer: to know, love and serve God. Simple but again, not; yet, relevant for sure…..learning what that means at this age (almost 74), in this time, place, and era. Like so much else, some days the answer seems so self-evident; other days, I question, wonder, sometimes feel angst about it. I’m coming to see that, for me at least, there is no one answer but the exploration itself that changes with the day and the mood.
True Sandra, our purpose is to love and serve God and our fellows. In so doing, we need always to maintain balance and moderation. That means that our own self is as important to God as our fellows are. In service we have purpose: spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally. In balance we have rest and relaxation as we serve. In moderation we are careful to not over or underdo our work or our play. We are relevant because God is also growing through our experiences! The understanding comes from reading the Fifth Epochal Revelation. It clears up all of our questions!
What a gorgeous blog entry. Thank you, Susan. When the woman writer you mention says she will not share her age, it makes me cringe. Say it, loud and proud, women! Hiding one’s age is the root cause of ageism, known widely for its prevalence and the damage it causes. I will be 82 in 13 days. Jane and I started this blog when were turning 70, and I think this is the single most important thing I’ve learned as I’ve read what agemates have to say: Accept yourself. Revel in who you are. Yes to relevance! State your age. Cover your ears when that woman on TV says “Age is just a number.” Like hell it is. Age is a critical and wonderful part of who we are. Thank you, Susan, from my heart to yours.
I’m glad to have made it to 72 and mainly healthy… Life is what you make it.. I love Music, Rock, Blues and have met some new friends where we just go out and have Fun getting lost in the Music… Decent men are hard to find though we all have our own hang ups… I just want to meet a man that is Real, Christian, enjoys life, and is Honest.. it will happen on GOD’S Timing so until then… I’ll be on the dance floor with my friends or out in nature enjoying all it’s Beauty.. Wooohoooo to life… We are All Relevant.. we don’t have to depend on others to believe we are Relevant!! We are a Child of GOD, I’d say that is Relevant!!
The first paragraph should have read:
More and more I hear MEN say they don’t feel relevant. On a recent inquiry, I asked why.
I did proofread, but apparently not well enough.
Jeanne, thank you for writing. One of the things I have to really work on in expectations. While I am self-sufficient and have always been independent, it is hard for me to ask for help OR even let someone do something for me. I figure as long as I can do it I will. I am still working on the expectations thing with my adult children. It may be more challenging because I am single. So it is a balance ~ expectations vs. independence.
You are so right. I will be 75 this April ad my take on life has changed dramatically. I have found that enjoying my own company is what truly brings me happiness and peace. In another year I will have 6 grandchildren in college, I take pleasure watching them find themselves, we are very close. I have come to terms that my children and their families are busy and have less time or a need for my company. I understand and have made peace with that. We all spend the holidays together, each celebrating a holiday at our homes, my holiday is Easter. I love having time to take care of myself and my husband ( married 54 years). We are both content staying home and doing our thing. Take a deep breathe, get close to God, and enjoy what time you have left.