Jane, Almost 74
I thought I would leave this end-of-life letter behind for my daughters-in-law when I die. My experience with them has been difficult, I have not been able to communicate with them effectively, and I find that writing helps me to cope with such challenges. I wonder what you think about my doing this. (I thought I might also leave a letter behind for my sons, if I become so inspired to write it.)
Dear Sue and Rachel,
Well, I am finally off and away to my next big adventure.
I wanted to share a few thoughts with you because in no time, when/if your children get married or have kids, you will move to the role of grandmother and mother-in-law. This is a big shift and will be a big adjustment. Your children won’t need you any longer the way they did when they were growing up. It will be time for them to move on to their own independent adult lives. And if you’re like me, it will probably take some getting used to.
You may experience the stereotypical MIL/DIL(SIL) dynamic that can include tension, resentment, competition, disrespect, rejection, and even a feeling of becoming invisible no matter how hard you try to make it otherwise.
Or you may be in the fortunate position of having a daughter- or son-in-law who loves you like a mother. They may call you on the phone from time-to-time or even ask for your advice. I hope this will be the case for you, although according to my friends’ experiences and what I’ve read, this will be most often not the case.
I sincerely hope that whatever your experience is will be positive and loving and that you will be able to peacefully accept whatever comes your way.
❤️
Jane
I wouldn’t send this letter. All it will do is convey your disappointment and bitterness. I don’t think it will promote growth or understanding. I’m very sorry that these relationships have been difficult. But better not to extend this difficulty after you pass on.
Susan, this is surely not how you want to be remembered.
If your daughters-in-law are good to your sons and grandchildren, that’s as much as you can expect. Perhaps you should just thank them for that if you must say something.
Old as we are, we’re still teaching by example.
Nope. No way. I would never send these letters.
I think I understand your reasoning; possibly the hurt and resentment may be a three sided event. Rather than leaving a letter to be read after your death, would you consider writing separate letters to each of the daughters-in -law while you are alive, expressing what your hopes had been, perhaps looking for a road to reconciliation and a resolution. Nothing accusatory or angry. We all have faults and the melding of new family with old is often a compromise and looking to find the good in people. After all, your sons chose their wives, you didn’t. The three of you share the same persons, your sons, who have been forced to make decisions no family should. I wish you the best and hopefully a better life without the heavy burden of anger and resentment. Kindness goes such a long way.
Hi, Susan,
Your question “what is the purpose of your letter to them?” is a good one. I need to think about that more. Thank you for your thoughtful response. The relationship has been extremely difficult. I know I should be loving and enjoying them as they are, but it’s been too challenging. Since I am not able to communicate with them, I thought leaving a letter behind would be one way for them to think about what’s in store for their future when they become mothers-in-law. Thinking of mentoring is an interesting concept but so far from the reality of our situation. Sad business…
Jane
It would be helpful to know why the relationships with your daughters-in-law was difficult. Also, what is the purpose of your letter to them? What do you hope to achieve? If the relationship was difficult for you, I imagine it was for them, too.
What if you wrote them a loving letter? Spoke about their mothering skills and what you enjoyed about them. Then left it at that.
From my experience as I also find my way with family, our role is one of mentoring. Being there to listen, to help while also maintaining our own boundaries. And, just enjoying them as they are.
Susan