Pat, Age 70
I turned 70 this week…15 years ago, my husband moved out of our bedroom and never returned…but we live together, and at this point, are friends. But we went through years of fights and hatred. He says he doesn’t remember any of it. I am here because it is easier. And he can pay the bills.
But, I have not been touched or held in 15 years,,,
I want much more than I have…but at 70, who would even begin to want me?
I just turned 71 and have felt a little off my game lately. The retail development company I worked for sold all its assets due to the death of our owner. All of us senior executives were eventually dismissed with very good bonuses. Almost instantly I was asked to do consulting work and am working 4 to 5 days a week now. I have been use to a life of intense work and pressure and it is hard for me to step back to ¾ speed. I was Googling to find some info related to this and ran across this 70Candles site.
I have been married 38 years and I don’t know what I would do without my wife. We haven’t slept in the same bedroom for 7 or 8 years, but that is because I snore and twitch. She goes to bed early; I always go to bed late. Until recently, I always got up earlier than her. So different sleeping rooms have been a good thing for us.
We also don’t have real sex any more. I had an operation 10 or 12 years ago that took a major toll on my ability to perform. Still, we hug, kiss and sometimes just hold each other. We have some more intense sexual intimacies from time to time. But our relationship is not based on sex. We are full partners with two successful children and three beautiful healthy grandchildren. Even though we don’t dance the bedroom dance anymore, we care about each other. I always want the best for her and do all I can to make her happy. We have a good repertoire in that we talk to each other almost constantly and often just sit together and talk about everything going on in our relationship, our family and in the world.
The reason I am spending time on this is that if you are older and, in a marriage, I recommend that you don’t let it slip into just a marriage of convenience. You and your spouse likely have long history together. You may have children together. This is all really the important good “stuff” of which life is about. Just because you don’t get overheated in the bedroom any longer doesn’t mean you don’t care for each other. If your husband doesn’t hug or kiss you, hug and kiss him anyway. You might be surprised what you get in return.
Love comes after you learn to love yourself, at any age. And this also means sexually. Love your body and someone else will love your body too.
Your candor inspires me. Thanks for writing. I’ve started doing some writing myself, after finding myself a widow in my 60s. My short and I hope humorous blog is https://sexover60.wordpress.com. I tried to focus on just one subject: sex. It’s been a hoot. Hope you’ll take a look.
Linda thank you said it best . You gave all my details of my life.
A marriage of convenience. It’s not what I had in mine 25 years ago.
It’s living day to day.
How about a 78 year old husband that is waiting for any sign of offense from 75 year old me. A husband who quietly fumes and then lets go after a family event attended by children and grandchildren; something I said or intimated! Their father and grandfather is adored so why share our misery with them. I enjoy my siblings and so does he. We lost my brother and his favorite brother-in-law a year ago Thanksgiving. He told me yesterday he misses him. He also misses my parents he said. He never mentions his own. I realized years ago that he married my family! We had to get married when we were 18 and 21. I know the whole family and our children can look for our marriage certificate on line and find out the truth but he won’t let his guard down. For god’s sake we have 6 children ranging in ages from 34 to 57! We have grandchildren ranging in ages from 1 week old to 32 years old. They all enjoy each other as do we. We are together quite often. Some live an hour away, some live 35 minutes away, some 25 minutes away and we had the joy of 1 of our daughters building a house next door and raising her children with us just minutes away! Empty nesters now.
When he’s in one of his low moods, which is about every 2 to 3 weeks, he says he disappointed my mother. He then proceeds to say I married him because I didn’t have another choice (his words). I’ve never been the wife he dreamed about (my words)and I guess I have to admit he’s never been the husband I dreamed about after all is said and done! It’s always the same words coming out of his very depressed self. He won’t see a professional and would refuse to take any kind of medication!
My joy right now is knowing we’ve been blessed with smart, healthy good looking kids and grandkids! Could we ask for more. Should I ask for more?
Why as aging women does this happen. I’m going living through a life I never planned with my husband . We ve been sleeping in different rooms for years.
My husband is 7 years older. There’s no intimacy, no hugs a peck on a cheek…if we go out he holds my hand. That’s it. He’s semi retired he has no hobby’s, no outside interest. He helps around the house. I’ve been through 2 different unexpected Surgery’s this year, turn seventy, we down size moved into the city. He’s been my nurse through unexpected surgery.
I didn’t realize there are more women going through similar lives. I read 70 candles from time to time and I wish I could reach to these women who are going through a marriage like mine, where we could hug cry and laugh to have a life as it was back when. I feel cheated out of the life I was expecting at this age.
At 73 I totally relate to this post. Husband and I share the house, bills and chores. Not much else. Sleeping apart a few years now, took me a long while to bring that about, I just needed some space and sleep. He is impossible to sleep with in the same bed. And nearly impossible in the physical intimacy dept. I desire at times someone to hold, and romance like the old days, Like listening to Leonard Cohen music with an imaginary lover..where would I go from here?
Too much work and effort to sell out, pick up, move on, and I really don’t care to be bothered with another relationship….so, I dive into my work, Yoga teaching, my dog and my friends…all in all I guess best classified as a marriage of convenience.
Linda
I admire your honesty – being honest with oneself is an important part of happiness and good self esteem.
Difficult as it is, you may want to accept that you and your husband have reached the only workable compromise possible. Then perhaps decide whether you’re looking for a friend, a lover, or both.
I’d start with enriching my own life and see where it goes from there. What do you enjoy? Indulge yourself in doing the things that you can afford – whether it’s scented bath salts, concert tickets, or a little gadget to provide the satisfaction that he’s not providing.
You may want to get out and join new activities, meet new people. Please remember that we’re all responsible for our own happiness. It’s not wrong to take steps to find it.
Come back and talk to us. You’re not alone. We’re all finding our way at 70+.
Dear Pat,
You must first want and love yourself. You are worthy of being held, touched and loved. There are individuals who would be glad to meet and love you. Changing how you feel and think of yourself will positively affect your behavior and draw these people to you. List all of the wonderful qualities and talents you like about yourself. How do your family members and friends feel and think about you? Your husband’s rejection has absolutely nothing to do with you. Are you home isolating yourself? If so, do not allow his behavior to stop you from enjoying and embracing life. The world is waiting for you to join it. It is difficult to feel unworthy in the midst of a group of positive, confident, productive and joyous people. Find your tribe of supporters, if you have not already.
We live in a youth obsessed and ageism society. A society which marginalizes women. A society which supports and enforces the mythology of women and aging. A society which attempts to control our spending, beliefs and movement as women. We experience this daily via all forms of media, marketing and projected images. All having no foundation for who and what we are. We must change our personal thinking, behaviors and work collectively to replace this paradigm with a new one. We’re powerful as a group and hold economic power. We spend more on goods and services than any other age group. It’s time those marginalizing us are put on notice. We will not purchase the goods and services of those who disrespect and marginalize us. We have the power to effect change, it starts with each of us.
In Soldarity, all the best,
Lorraine, Founder
Mental Health/Aging Resources & Advocacy