A survivor at 70

Janet, Age 70

I just ran across this blog and really wanted to add my little thoughts. As you can see I was born in 1944 a war baby. I had a horrible childhood, a battered child my life was so bad I decided to run away at the age of thirteen. I went to a drug store and stole a bottle of iodine. When I was thirteen I looked like an eleven year old there were not boys or bad friends or fighting with the authority. I just couldn’t take the constant beatings or the games my mother would play with me. It was a very sad child who saw no other road but to die.

It was snowing in New York. Two days after I left was my fourteenth birthday…that I spent riding the subway all day until 9:pm and then I got off in my neighborhood and hid under the stairs until morning. Then I would get back on the train. I didn’t die from the iodine mostly cause I could drink it and licking it won’t do the trick. I tell you this because I was a scared child from all that happened to me. That I never thought of being old.
When they found me I realized that they didn’t call the police until I was gone three days. I told the court that I didn’t want to go home, and since I hadn’t been in trouble I was able to go to a convent school and stayed there till I was eighteen.

Then I was on my own I had only my self to count on. I did fine got a job moved to calif. I got married but he turned out to be an alcoholic. I found out that he was an angry man like my father and that was sad because I thought I would never get stuck in a relationship like that. Had a baby in a year and a half and stayed in an abusive marriage for thirteen years so my daughter would have a father. She came to me at twelve and said if you don’t leave I will kill him and i believed her.

Two years later I had a blind date and it turned out to be the first person in my life besides my daughter that truly loved me. We were married twenty five years when he was diagnosed with stage for colon cancer. We got through the colostomy and the fact that radiation killed the ability to be sexual. I didn’t care I just needed to be held. We built a retirement home in ark. It was beautiful. Cost a half a million dollars. We were happy I picked the design the did all the decorating. I was thrilled my husband was thrilled with the results.

I worked until I had my first child then I worked when I was divorced. Then with my second husband I worked until I was three months pregnant. I loved being a housewife and mother I never thought of a career. We had a condo in ne. And moved where my oldest daughter lived in tn. I fell in love with tn. First week I was there I broke my back insisting on moving steel framed couch. The following feb I laid down and an hour later my husband couldn’t wake me. I had sepsis pneumonia. And they told my husband I would die during the night. I had lupus for fifty five years and many times my husband would be told I was dying. Never did yet.

That same night my daughter who was a nurse noticed that he was a little off balanced and wanted a dr to look at him. When I woke the next day they told me that I was supposed to die but I made it but my husband was terminal…. my husband was five years younger. And we always kidded that we were going to go together cause women outlive men by five years. He had brain cancer that had matastisized from the colon cancer. He had surgery and I was sure he was alright cause he was strong and we were going together…that was 2012. In march 2013 he had what looked like a stroke but it was his brain cancer. It had returned and he didn’t tell me because he figured I was dying and he didn’t want me to worry. I had five weeks to digest he was dying. I was given five weeks left with him…I had been in denial and for sure thought we were going together. He died on May 5 2013. we were together for thirty two years.

It was awful…I was angry at god my husband and the world…after six months I pulled my head out of my broken heart. And I realized I wasn’t afraid, which I thought I would be, alone in a big house. But I feel him here. I’ve thought about down-sizing. But all that work would kill me with my damaged back. And then I think would he still be with me if I moved?

In the two years I’ve been alone I finally published a children’s book about my mother in law’s love of birds. And now I’m starting another book. They’re small but I feel like I finally did something strickly for me…I’ll be 71 in march.

I spent money to get a minor face lift because I didn’t like what being sick did to my face. So I fixed what bothered me most, my neck. It was worth it to me…I can accept the wrinkles I have now. I don’t want to move in with either daughter. I prefer to be on my own. However since we moved to a new town I don’t have friends. The few I have are young people who say they don’t see me as old…they say I’m fun to be around. But I don’t have friends to do things on the weekends. I joined a crochet club which is almost all young people. I don’t want to get married again which a lot of people say…I’m still young…I should remarry. But I feel I got so lucky with my second husband I would not have that kind of love to give to somebody else.

I thought about dying a lot after he died. But now I realize I have to wait till it’s my time. So I fill my time crocheting making, parrot toys and writing, plus I sew…my life is fine…lonely but doing stuff. It’s not how I thought old age would be…I had a worse vision. I thought I would be so shriveled and just waiting to die. But I have things that keep me busy and family that loves me. I don’t have a reason to be sad. Thank you for letting me tell my story.