Briony, Age 66
66, married for 15 years to a man 18 years younger. But he looks my age, I look his age, and he’s more grown-up/adult than I. And he’s currently getting chemo for colorectal cancer (all cancers run in his family) — so it’s kind of like living with an 80 year old; chemo is debilitating. I envision having to take care of him in future, and outliving him, rather than the expected reverse scenario. This frankly terrifies me. I feel unsafe. I keep waiting for some other shoe to fall.
Like others who have shared here, I feel guilty that I’m struggling to accept my entry into “old age” now that it — and illness, death, loss of control, loss of . . . well, everything one has built over a lifetime — looms nearer. I know it does no good to worry in advance, that only poisons the present. And makes one a boring, depressing companion, especially to one’s own self! I just have always been young, especially internally: this new existence feels foreign, Not Me, I can’t relate. But I’ll have to find or create a way to. Hoping for some insight here among fellow travelers.